NFL Preview Edition!

Apparently it's the cool thing to do. And you know I'll do anything to be cool, so here it is! The lowdown on every single team, and for free! Of course, the premium subscription will cost you, but it doesn't exist. Trust me though -- if it did, it would be terribly hard-hitting and insightful.

Atlanta: They'll play 16 games.

Arizona: They're very likely to play 16 games.

Baltimore: Probably 16 games.

Buffalo: I guess they'll play 16 games, but it's going to get really cold.

Carolina: The Vegas over/under for them is 16 games. I wouldn't touch it.

Chicago: Chicago should be right around 16 games.

Cincinnati: They'll play 16 games, but they'll do it with cool stripes on their helmets.

Cleveland: Much like Cincinnati, except with no logo whatsoever on their helmets.

Dallas: 16 games, no prediction on arrests.

Denver: They'll keep playing all the way through a 16-game schedule.

Detroit: Their best player (S Rogers) is gone from the already questionable d-line, and although Darby should be a serviceable replacement, the defense will still miss it's one true game-changer. The secondary should be much better, but the linebackers (Sims aside) are below par and the aforementioned line is questionable. On offense, the only rookie to make his way into the starting lineup (K Smith) is replacing K Jones, who was apparently cut for being hurt too much. Smith (with new acquisition Rudi Johnson) should bring adequate (although certainly below top-tier) skill to the backfield, Kitna's a decent qb and the receivers should be good, but the line is the same. And that's not good. Bottom line -- some exciting pieces on both sides of the ball, but I'm desperately afraid that game in, game out, they're going to get beaten up in the trenches. They won't be able to run OR stop the run with consistency, and their opponents will likely be able to sustain much more pressure on the qb then they will. I hope I'm wrong (and I'm wrong a LOT), but it looks like somewhere around 6-10 to me.

Green Bay: Are they really going to play 16 games with no Brett Favre? Yes, yes they are.

Houston: Yeah, 16 games.

Indianapolis: Not only will they play 16 games, but half of them will be in their shiny new stadium. Which is great, because their last one was ghetto.

Jacksonville: They'll play 16 games, and a lot of people will misprounoucne "Jagaurs".

Kansas City: My crystal ball says 16 games. And I don't even have a crystal ball!

Miami: They'll play 16 games, give or take.

Minnesota: I guess they'll play 16 games, which is a good idea. But they'll do so wearing purple, which is a categorically bad idea for a football team.

New England: They'll play 16 games and their coach will look like they're losing every one of them.

New Orleans: Their schedule looks like a 16 gamer to me.

New York Giants: They're going to play 16 games and win at least one.

New York Jets: Hey, they got that Brett Favre guy, right?

Oakland: They should see the field for about 16 games, but their fans will still act like the league hosed them out of 15 of them.

Philadelphia: They also will play 16 games, but their fans will boo anyway.

Pittsburg: They get to play 16 games like everybody else, but they have to play 8 of them in a stadium named after a tomato condiment.

San Diego: 16 games? Gauranteed. Staying classy? We'll have to wait and see.

San Fransisco: They're looking a lot like about a 16-game team.

Seattle: They're looking at about 16 games and scattered showers.

St. Louis: After 16 games, we'll know what kind of season they're in for.

Tampa Bay: It's going to take around 10 games to make the playoffs, and they'll have 16 chances to get it done.

Tennessee: They'll be very, very close to 16 games.

Washington: 16 games, but no more than 15 wins. Seriously.