u r my bff lol

If you know me at all, you already know full well what I'm about to admit to you all -- I'm a dork. There. I'd say that was liberating, but . . . whatever. It's really not news. And just because I have little better to do, here's a rant on one thing that really gets under my skin: intentional mis-spelling.

Now -- let me begin by saying that I have a lot of grace for people who just don't know better. Not everybody had good educations, English really is quite a confounding language, and some people are just concerned with more important things. But when it's overt and intentional? I just don't get it, but DANG does it get me.

Just so you know that I'm not trying to be personal here, let's start out with one that I really, truly love. Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Mmmmmm. Like many of you, I'm a big fan. There is absolutely no denying the delicious tastiness, and with it I can find no fault. But the spelling? What's with the gratuitous K's, y'all? It's not even like they HAD to do it for alliteration's sake -- "Crispy Cream" still works! And while I'm at it -- there IS no "Kreme" (at least in any doughnut that's worth getting there) and if there was, I don't think I'd like it to be "Krispy", thank you very much. Maybe that's the whole deal, though. Maybe the mis-spelling is to deflect any potential lawsuits for improper labeling or whatever, much like the way salad topping and dog snack companies use "bac'n" for lack of genuine bacon, or merely "moderate" metal bands use Megadeth for lack of genuine death. What we're left with, then, is an apparent intentional mis-spelling (and a double at that!) for which the best explanation that I can imagine is to cover up and mis-lead regarding the actual content of a -- luckily -- extremely tasty confection.

How about band names? Look, I know it's hard. Pretty much every band name is taken. I've been there and I've suffered with you. Creativity, however, is still a better answer than mis-spelling. And IF you're going to go the mis-spelling route, can you at LEAST mis-spell a cool word? I understand, to a certain extent, Trapt. I'm sure that Trapped was taken long ago, and the word at least connotes some degree of fear or intimidation, especially if you're prized for your coat. But seriously now -- Korn? Really? You're going to take a kernel-bearing plant, replace the c with a k and turn the r backwards, and then try to be tough? As if to shout from the rooftops: "Hey -- we're SO from the streets that we don't care about your commonly accepted rules of spelling and grammar! Ha ha -- take THAT, 2nd grade spelling teacher!" Admittedly I can't argue with the results -- I'm no fan but clearly they've done well for themselves -- but I HAVE to believe that it's more in spite of than because of the name. (Side note -- if, rather than the leafy kernel-bearing plant, they're distorting the word for a growth of tissue typically on the toe, than that IS pretty tough and I take back every joke I've ever made. And am now legitimately intimidated, just a little bit.)

Finally, let's look at one more example that actually comes from -- gasp -- one of our institutions of higher learning. "Wait!" you may be exclaiming. "Surely there can be no intentional mis-spelling at the very bastions of learning and grammatical correctness . . . right? Wrong. Take a look here. The University of Missouri, perhaps daunted by the throngs who insist on pronouncing an "a" where the "i" goes at the end of their state name (mis- pronunciation, of course, is another blog for another day), opt to print "Mizzou" as often as "Missouri." Now I don't necessarily mind if something's abbreviated or shortened for practical reasons. Hey -- I'm a practical guy, right? But call me nit-picky if it be the case, but surely I'm not the one who's noticed that "Z" is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LETTER from "S"! Hello -- it's backwards and pointy instead of curvy! The sound is similar and it can be confusing if you're trying to read in a mirror, but as a state university is getting the right letter really too much to ask?

Anyway, all these examples aside, do you know what bothers me the most about all of this? That it bothers me. Really, who cares? What's it to me? Isn't it all just about my own obsession with always being right anyway? And it probably is. So people are creative in their grammatical constrctions. So what. When I see it in others and it triggers something in me, it's only my own ugly side coming out that makes me angry. And that, my friends and internet-stalkers, is worse than being a dork.