Can you spell "R - I - O - T - O - U - S"?

It doesn't happen much to me anymore, but last night I flipped on the tv during prime time. The even bigger upset, though, is that I found . . . real entertainment! That's right, there's nothing like dragging 14 year-olds into "real" reality television by way of the national spelling bee. The number of levels in which the broadcast was endlessly entertaining was nearly endless itself, and since I truly am "that guy," let us count the ways.

First of all, those kids are nails -- N - A - I - L - S -- nails. Unbelievable. Before last night, I considered myself a bit of a "word guy," but not anymore. Those cats blasted out words that I would have just stared blankly at, and even the words they fumbled, their educated guesses were more educated than my guesses would have been -- and I have a freaking master's degree! (Do you capitalize that? I don't know . . . but I'll bet that they do!)

Second -- after a few words it struck me that it wasn't just me who had never heard these words before -- the kids hadn't, either. THAT was why they kept asking for the language of origin (the kid who came in second would actually ask for the "etymology" -- I learned that word like last week!!!), the definition, and whether it came from the Greek root word "Parakletos" for "Scandinavian black metal band". At that point they'd piece together the different parts of the word with their understanding of the mechanics of whatever random language the word came from, and spell this completely foreign word. I mean this stuff was nuts -- N - U - T - S -- nuts.

Third -- the commentators. Oh my goodness the commentators. "You can see the time remaining." Yes, yes we can see the time remaining. It's ticking away in the upper left hand corner of our screen. Even better was Stuart Scott (yes, THAT Stuart Scott) interviewing the contestants after they were eliminated. "Now that's two years in a row going out on French words for you, what is it about French?" Great stuff. The best was after talking with the eventual winner for a couple minutes, he ended with something like "His favorite food is spaghetti and his favorite movie is Jumanji -- after all he's just a kid!" and then thrusting the microphone back in the kid's face. You could see the little guy's confusion -- "Ok, the mic's back in my face, so there must have been a question there somewhere . . . hmmm . . . I'm really smart, so I'm SURE I can figure it out . . . no -- N - O -- no, there really was no question. What am I supposed to say five minutes after the biggest moment of my entire life (at least until I make my first million next month) when I'm live on national network tv and Stuart Scott tosses me the mic but without a question? Seriously, shouldn't somebody have prepared me for this? Don't they know that there could be girls watching!" So he just stared blankly at the camera. Perfect.

Side note -- when will members of the media begin to actually ask athletes, spellers, and race car drivers real questions? "So that was a big game last night, huh?" does NOT qualify as a question, and if the guy you're "interviewing" gives any kind of respectable reply, it's HIM bailing YOU out, big guy. Just once I'd like to hear an athlete bang on a radio show host the same way the hosts bang on the athletes when they're not talking to them. "So athlete, you're team took a real shot when Joe went down with that torn rotator cuff, huh?" "Wow radio show host, you really fumbled that one. I mean you had plenty of time to write real questions, there was no pressure on you, and you went to school for this? I think it may be time to go back to the college studio for you, bro. Boom goes the dynamite!" End side note.

Four -- the competitor's interests were displayed for us under their name and home. How fun -- F - U - N -- fun is that? I mean really, what point is there in watching a spelling bee if you don't learn that the fun Canadian kid with the slightly shaggy hair really DOES dig curling? If they hadn't told me, I'd never have known!

Fifth, and finally, if you weren't paying close attention to number four then I'll ask the question for you: I love our frosty, mullet-sporting neighbors to the north and mean no disrespect, but how the heck -- H - E - DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS -- heck does a kid from *Canada* get in the *national* spelling bee? Good thing there was no geography, eh?