Life is full of maxims, true-isms, proverbs, and just generally good ideas. If you're pitching, "You have to throw strikes." What matters most "Isn't the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog." And in ministry, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." The problem is these don't always hold in every situation. In the Phil's game tonight there have been 2 IBB's, no amount of fight will allow a Maltese to take this guy down, and when crack-heads ask for money, they're concerned how much you care roughly as much as they're concerned about the price of pork in Pakistan. It's with some sadness and regret, then, that I've been noticing a trend of people apparently not knowing when to apply the classic imperative "Keep your pants on!" And since I aim not only to entertain but also to inform, I thought I'd use this platform to provide some simple guidelines to help you -- the concerned but occasionally confounded reader -- know exactly when (and when not!) to keep that pesky waistband cinched. Keep in mind that, to my knowledge, this has never been attempted, and so some revisions may be necessary in the future (as opposed to my earlier sport/not a sport entry, which is perfect and definitive for all times). A jumping-off point is necessary, however, and so I'll go ahead and give this project my best effort.
Jogging In Public
While I appreciate this guy's service to God, apparent nod to the original Olympic uniforms, and . . . shall we say . . . showmanship, taking a few laps around the school loop is just no time to be feeling the breeze. Keep the mouse in the house and you might even find a training partner who will buy you breakfast afterward. Verdict? Keep your pants ON!
Exception -- streaking at a sporting event. I'm not saying that I condone this kind of thing, but seriously -- if you're going to do it, there's just no sense in going half-way. The only thing more embarrassing than streaking through the infield? "Streaking" in your tighty-whities.
Using the Restroom
A classic exception where the mis-application of a wise word will leave you in all kinds of trouble. Remember, "keep your pants on" is there to guide you, not to rule you. Verdict? Drop 'em!
Exception -- you're a female and you're with your female friends. In other words, "using the restroom" means something different than "using the restroom." I have no idea what this actually entails and can't speak to said situation intelligently, even by Flogging, But With a "B" standards.
Running Out to Grab a Bite
This may seem like an easy hand-off for some of my more advanced readers, but some people actually fumble this one, most notably my team's defensive line coach who decided that swinging through Wendy's was a good idea, but putting pants on first wasn't (where did he keep his wallet?). Fellas -- I know you get hungry. And I know that spicy chicken is a tasty treat. It is! But there just is no sandwich that's so good that it can't wait for you to toss on a pair of Levi's. Verdict? Keep Your Pants ON!
Exception -- Your wife works the drive-through window. Nothing builds a marriage like creating some unique shared experiences, after all.
Showering
Another time when you'll want to throw caution -- and your shorts -- to the wind. It just works better. Verdict? Drop 'em!
Exception -- It's the "shower" in the changing room at the pool. It's not meant for THAT, bro!
Reading My Blog
We're on the honor system here kids, so don't betray my trust in you. The thought of you reading my page in nature's own just doesn't inspire the kind of thoughts that I'd like to share with the world. Besides, the word "flogging" is prominent, so it's for your own good, too. Verdict? Keep Your Pants ON!
Exception -- Whigham's blog is always clothing-optional.
Cooking Breakfast
This is the proverbial "gray area" as far as the pants/no pants discussion is concerned. Ultimately it's your call, but if bacon's on the docket (and if it isn't, you just might have bigger fish to fry, anyway), I'd give those boxers a good, hard look before firing up the George Foreman. Verdict? Recommended, but optional.
Exception -- Cooking breakfast at my house. Look, when I told you to make yourself at home, I only half meant it.
We're going to have to stop here for the moment. I know, I've only begun to scratch the surface, but pants/no pants is an issue that's larger than any one of us, anyway. Perhaps you can go ahead, start a blog, and make your own contribution. Until then, just make sure that you always keep the horse before the carriage.
(Just for the record, I have no idea what that last sentence even means.)
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11 comments:
Now that is a blog!!! Bravo....kudos....and way to go!!! I appreciated all the links to explain who or what you were talking about. Creative and very helpful.
Man! You obviously have waaaaay too much free time on your hands, but I'm glad because reading some of your blog (especially this post) just made my day. Write a book, dude... I'm good for at least one copy.
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