You Might *Not* Be What You Wear

At a certain point, the old cliche "you are what you eat" is pretty self-evident and irrefutable. Similarly, the truism "you are what you are" has to be considered positively water-proof. But how about people who wear clothing or some other type of message-conveying device that proudly boasts some manner of extraordinary attribute? Let's consider a couple of popular slogans and see if together we can determine if, indeed, people are what they eat, what they are, and also what they wear.

Hottie

Surely you've seen girls running all about wearing shirts with a single-word message that is as simple as it is misguided -- "Hottie". If ever there was a garment that cried out for some analysis, this is the one. In fact, upon seeing said shirt, isn't it all but impossible not to go ahead and make some sort of a judgment regarding the factuality or lack thereof in the message? I'm not saying that I go around checking girls out -- I'm really very happily married (yes, to a hottie!) -- but much like the "World's Best Coffee" sign in Elf, it just begs for verification. Of course, the verdict will be one of two, each with their own set of implications:

Yes! We do, in fact, have a hottie! The bad news, I'm afraid, is that hotties should NOT ever be seen sporting a "hottie" logo. What good can possibly come of it? Girls will just hate them for their arrogance and shamelessness. Guys, as a rule, don't need to be tipped off to the attractiveness of the fairer sex, and generally like for the girl to pretend to be surprised when we graciously inform her that she is, indeed, a hottie. The shirt, of course, short-circuit's the entire process and sends any (sensible) man running for the hills. After all, any genuine hottie who's wearing a "hottie" shirt is going to be positively insufferable to be around and completely unbearable to date. We like to make our female-friend feel like the world revolves around her, but do NOT like for them to act like they deserve or expect it.

OR:

Nope, NOT a hottie! Do people with bad teeth wear clothing that says "Hey -- check out my chicklets!"? Do people with 4th grade educations have pins that say "Ask me about the pythagorean theorem!"? Is White Castle's slogan "You'll regret this in about an hour and a half!"? Of course not. Why is it, then, that about 80% of the people wearing "hottie" shirts are categorically unattractive? Doesn't that scream to the watching, laughing world "Look at me! I'm both unattractive AND delusional!"

Porn Star

Hey, the ladies take the brunt of the "hottie" silliness, but the fellas aren't immune from making bad wardrobe decisions either, as particularly evidenced by the lingering popularity of the "porn star" shirts (sorry, I'm not even going to try to google images that one . . .).

The message could be true, of course. If indeed your profession is what the shirt says it is, what's going to be gained by wearing it on your sleeve (or torso)? A certain type of female may be attracted to that, I suppose. But would you really need that? Isn't it a little like being a professional ice cream taster and then stopping off for a Blizzard on the way home from work? Call me level-headed, but I'm just not seeing it.

Of course, there's pretty much zero chance that anybody wearing this shirt is anything more than a fan of the industry, right? So if my math is right, the shirt then REALLY says something closer to, "Hey -- anybody wanna-be with a wanna-be? Not just ANY wanna-be, though, I'm ALSO completely depraved and shameless and would like to treat you as though you're an ultra-low rent prostitute and then send you on your way empty and dying inside. Come on, now, step right up! . . . . . . . . . . . . Hey Trevor, why is there still no line?"

Bad@$$ Boyz/Girlz Drive Bad@$$ Toyz

Now this is usually a sticker on a vehicle more than a t-shirt slogan, but of course the same principles apply.

Now first of all, do you know any TRULY "bad" people? I do. Guess what? They ain't sportin' this sticker. If you're REALLY "bad", you know it and could care less whether anybody else does or not, right? Think of Mel Gibson in Payback. That was about as bad of a character as you find, right? Could you imagine that character having a rhyming sticker that replaced the letter "s" with "z" in brash public demonstration of his "bad-ness"? Hardly.

Even worse is the female version. Seriously, you know that it doesn't even rhyme, right? Or is that the point? You don't care about spelling OR rhyme, because you're just that eager to have a lame female rip-off of an already lame male slogan? Doesn't that communicate "Oh, me too, me too! I want to be in the bad club too! Please???" more than anything? It's either that or "Whatever stupid thing insecure dudes can put on their Ford Rangers, us ladies can make a second-rate copy and put it on our Geo Trackers!" Come on ladies -- I KNOW you can do better. Come up with something original and clever and you can be a real credit to your gender.


The lesson is simple -- wearing a shirt doesn't change your level of attractiveness, profession, or mental disposition. I can go to Hot Topic, but that won't make me a brooding 14 year-old. I can also go to Victoria's Secret, but that won't give me a classic hourglass figure. And when I go to pastoral meetings, I don't suddenly become bitter, burned out, and humor-less. Whatever you are? Seriously, it's ok (unless you're shirt number 2, but I'm guessing "that guy" is too strung out to be reading this)! Try to be something else and you just look dumb. You are what you are -- just be that and you'll be fine.