Never before have I posted two days in a row, but some circumstances demand extraordinary action. This, my friends and reader, is one of those circumstances.
You see, yesterday I thought that my previous Buzz Goertzen blog was over and done with, but that was before I checked this joker's blog and had to go change my shorts. And THAT was before I saw his link to Buzz's myspace (even that phrase cracks me up), which features the FULL streaming version of my all-time (tied, at least) favorite Goertzen classic, "Then I Start to Yodel." And really, you HAVE to listen to the full song, because as crazy and out of control as the first half seems, it actually ends with a double-time feel and . . . are those . . . harmonies? I'm not enough of a music guy to really know or pick these thing apart, but one way or another I think it's imperative that anybody who wishes to be anything remotely close to a well-rounded or cultured person have a listen.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
It Must Have Been Hot That Day
Honestly, I don't remember it ever happening, but it must have. One day at work I must have told Nick about the crazy gospel yodeler that my dad used to listen to (with that kind of memory, I sure hope that I never told him about that one time when I . . .), as you can see he referenced in the comments of my last post. After seeing his comment and then wiping chunks of partially chewed meatloaf off of my monitor, I went ahead and tried to google this cat, and apparently they have the internet even in Idaho now. And I'm telling you, if you never, ever click on a link from Flogging, But With a "B" again, click on this one. Really.
My thoughts:
1) This cat is serious. He's a real, live, gospel yodeler, and he's totally into what he's doing. And it's yodeling. Can you even make a joke about that? I know my own musical taste is somewhat off the beaten path, at least for a generally well-adjusted 30-ish dude. I know there are potentially a LOT of jokes there. Well and good. But really . . . did you click the link?
2) If you listen to a bit, it's undeniable that he's really pretty amazing. Now note well that there's a gulf a mile wide and 20 miles deep between "good" and "I like it." Shakespeare In Love was "good." Modern art is "good." Not eating 3 bags of butter lover's microwave popcorn for dinner is "good." I'm just not into a lot of things that are "good." That said, after the laughter stops and you actually get through a couple clips (I suggest "Yodel Your Troubles Away," "She Taught Me How to Yodel", and the classic that started it all, "Jesus Put a Yodel in My Soul"), I think you HAVE to admit that it's kind of fascinating. Not maybe quite in the enjoyable sense, but like if you had a crazy neighbor who dedicated her life to whistling showtunes through her nose, or maybe a friend's dog that could jump rope double-dutch style. In fairness it's not quite the same as a train wreck, but there's this strange "disturbing yet amazing" phenomenon at work, right?
3) He apparently named his daughter "Tammy Sue." It's perfect. And -- oh yeah -- his name is "Buzz." This whole thing is starting to make sense now, actually . . . .
4) Why is there no clip available for "Will the Angels Yodel with Me?" Could we petition, do you think?
5) How priceless is this line: "Nothing stirs up an audience like yodeling, and no one yodels like Buzz Goertzen." Yeah, I read an arictle saying that NWA, Hatebreed, and Buzz Goertzen -- their shows are always the craziest. And, maybe almost as classic: "Buzz currently has ten albums, none of which is available in stores."
6) Buzz, if you ever google yourself (LOVE that phrase!) and come across Flogging, But With a "B," I won't deny that I do think the whole deal is pretty incredibly funny. That said, know that you yodeled me through a South Dakota summer or two in dad's Lumina . . . loudly. We laughed, it's true, but we also loved it (sort of, at least). So please know that it's all in good fun -- the kind of good ribbing that you're only comfortable giving to one of the fellas. Yodel on, my friend, yodel on.
My thoughts:
1) This cat is serious. He's a real, live, gospel yodeler, and he's totally into what he's doing. And it's yodeling. Can you even make a joke about that? I know my own musical taste is somewhat off the beaten path, at least for a generally well-adjusted 30-ish dude. I know there are potentially a LOT of jokes there. Well and good. But really . . . did you click the link?
2) If you listen to a bit, it's undeniable that he's really pretty amazing. Now note well that there's a gulf a mile wide and 20 miles deep between "good" and "I like it." Shakespeare In Love was "good." Modern art is "good." Not eating 3 bags of butter lover's microwave popcorn for dinner is "good." I'm just not into a lot of things that are "good." That said, after the laughter stops and you actually get through a couple clips (I suggest "Yodel Your Troubles Away," "She Taught Me How to Yodel", and the classic that started it all, "Jesus Put a Yodel in My Soul"), I think you HAVE to admit that it's kind of fascinating. Not maybe quite in the enjoyable sense, but like if you had a crazy neighbor who dedicated her life to whistling showtunes through her nose, or maybe a friend's dog that could jump rope double-dutch style. In fairness it's not quite the same as a train wreck, but there's this strange "disturbing yet amazing" phenomenon at work, right?
3) He apparently named his daughter "Tammy Sue." It's perfect. And -- oh yeah -- his name is "Buzz." This whole thing is starting to make sense now, actually . . . .
4) Why is there no clip available for "Will the Angels Yodel with Me?" Could we petition, do you think?
5) How priceless is this line: "Nothing stirs up an audience like yodeling, and no one yodels like Buzz Goertzen." Yeah, I read an arictle saying that NWA, Hatebreed, and Buzz Goertzen -- their shows are always the craziest. And, maybe almost as classic: "Buzz currently has ten albums, none of which is available in stores."
6) Buzz, if you ever google yourself (LOVE that phrase!) and come across Flogging, But With a "B," I won't deny that I do think the whole deal is pretty incredibly funny. That said, know that you yodeled me through a South Dakota summer or two in dad's Lumina . . . loudly. We laughed, it's true, but we also loved it (sort of, at least). So please know that it's all in good fun -- the kind of good ribbing that you're only comfortable giving to one of the fellas. Yodel on, my friend, yodel on.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Is God in Fargo?
Spirituality is weird and mystical and all that. It's especially difficult for me sometimes because I'm just not a mystical guy. Sometimes I (and, I would guess, people who are like me) feel like I'm un-spiritual or whatever because I don't like to go up into the mountains and eat granola and stare at the sky listening to Yanni for eight days and then come home having had some sort of grand, spiritual experience. It's kind of like Coen brothers movies -- they're great for a lot of people, but they just don't quite do it for me.
Last Sunday at Life Pointe we had a message on serving, and then a church picnic at the park afterwards. During the service, a handful of people were at the park setting things up rather than sitting in the service. Now I ask you -- who was more "spiritual" that day: us good church attenders sitting there laughing at Jamey's jokes as he talked about serving, or the people who weren't there because they were busy preparing the picnic?
I'm not down on going to church -- not at all -- and I definitely believe that there is a mystical element to a connected relationship with God, but I think it's getting "spirituality" backward if church attendance or prayer or whatever is the end-all be-all. They should be the catalyst, not the finish line. At some point, maybe actually doing something in the physical world is as "spiritual" as sitting in a redwood contemplating whatever "spiritual" people contemplate.
Eh, or maybe I just need to re-watch "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" now that I understand the South a little bit.
Last Sunday at Life Pointe we had a message on serving, and then a church picnic at the park afterwards. During the service, a handful of people were at the park setting things up rather than sitting in the service. Now I ask you -- who was more "spiritual" that day: us good church attenders sitting there laughing at Jamey's jokes as he talked about serving, or the people who weren't there because they were busy preparing the picnic?
I'm not down on going to church -- not at all -- and I definitely believe that there is a mystical element to a connected relationship with God, but I think it's getting "spirituality" backward if church attendance or prayer or whatever is the end-all be-all. They should be the catalyst, not the finish line. At some point, maybe actually doing something in the physical world is as "spiritual" as sitting in a redwood contemplating whatever "spiritual" people contemplate.
Eh, or maybe I just need to re-watch "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" now that I understand the South a little bit.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Faulkner's Head-Banging in His Grave
I know, I know. "Metalcore" is too trendy and so nobody likes it anymore (right, like "nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded"). Still, I picked up the new As I Lay Dying ("An Ocean Between Us") today, and there's some SMOKE on this puppy!
It's not a perfect album. I wish they didn't use the clean vocals in the chorus of every-other song (if I liked clean vocals I'd buy Whitney Houston or Micheal Bolton or something, right?). I'm not into the lame 1:30 intro track or the "radio friendly" track (again, if I wanted radio friendly, I would have bought Korn or Linkin Park or some other band who's music I like about as much as their grammar and spelling). Also, I'm confused by why there are two album covers (makes about as much sense as when they put a cardboard sleeve around the case with the exact same art as beneath the sleeve . . . why?).
Those aside, however, this is maybe (probably?) the best AILD yet. There's no way around calling it metalcore, but where Shadows Are Security seemed "safe," "proficient," and "professional," this one takes more chances, feels a lot more inspired, and is twice as fun to listen to -- like they said, "hey -- let's make an awesome record!" as opposed to "I guess it's time to make another record". [disclaimer -- I'm not accusing them of putting out a half-mulletted album last time, just relaying my listening experience, cool?]
Let's put it this way -- after a promising carreer in the minors (their Pluto Records stuff), they got called up to the show (Metal Blade) and won rookie of the year (Frail Words Collapse) with a .305, 34, 110 type of season. It seemed like a step back, then, when their sophomore season (Shadows Are Security) was more like .280, 26, 92. Well so far, this one sounds like MVP consideration.
Since I'm on metal, by the way, let me just give an equal (or maybe even higher?) recommendation for the less-heralded, less heard of, and (not coincidentally) core-free, pure metal new Immortal Souls, "Winteriech." Oh my! Facedown is releasing it later this month, but you can buy the "original" Dark Balance version here or here right now. Wohoo!
[Edit -- Facedown actually released the Immortal Souls today, as it turns out. Because I KNOW you were concerned. . . .]
It's not a perfect album. I wish they didn't use the clean vocals in the chorus of every-other song (if I liked clean vocals I'd buy Whitney Houston or Micheal Bolton or something, right?). I'm not into the lame 1:30 intro track or the "radio friendly" track (again, if I wanted radio friendly, I would have bought Korn or Linkin Park or some other band who's music I like about as much as their grammar and spelling). Also, I'm confused by why there are two album covers (makes about as much sense as when they put a cardboard sleeve around the case with the exact same art as beneath the sleeve . . . why?).
Those aside, however, this is maybe (probably?) the best AILD yet. There's no way around calling it metalcore, but where Shadows Are Security seemed "safe," "proficient," and "professional," this one takes more chances, feels a lot more inspired, and is twice as fun to listen to -- like they said, "hey -- let's make an awesome record!" as opposed to "I guess it's time to make another record". [disclaimer -- I'm not accusing them of putting out a half-mulletted album last time, just relaying my listening experience, cool?]
Let's put it this way -- after a promising carreer in the minors (their Pluto Records stuff), they got called up to the show (Metal Blade) and won rookie of the year (Frail Words Collapse) with a .305, 34, 110 type of season. It seemed like a step back, then, when their sophomore season (Shadows Are Security) was more like .280, 26, 92. Well so far, this one sounds like MVP consideration.
Since I'm on metal, by the way, let me just give an equal (or maybe even higher?) recommendation for the less-heralded, less heard of, and (not coincidentally) core-free, pure metal new Immortal Souls, "Winteriech." Oh my! Facedown is releasing it later this month, but you can buy the "original" Dark Balance version here or here right now. Wohoo!
[Edit -- Facedown actually released the Immortal Souls today, as it turns out. Because I KNOW you were concerned. . . .]
Friday, August 17, 2007
Juuuuuust a Bit Outside!
Some issues can't be ignored. Some stories are too big, too important, too real. Some stories just hit us right where we are, and we're compelled to take notice, even in a two-bit blog like Flogging, But with a "B".
And some stories (click here for the better write-up, here for the best pictures, and here for the full video clip) are just too easy. You read that right (unless you didn't read . . . punk), a "batter" (yes, he DID play for the Phillies for a bit, as it turns out . . .) attacked a pitcher (and this is just embarrassing, but he played for the Phillies for a while, too) with a baseball bat in a minor league game, injuring both the pitcher and the catcher, who was apparently attempting to have his pitcher not be hit in the head with a bat. And as you might guess, I have thoughts.
1) Seriously, why is there no video clip? I know it's independent league and nobody cares, but how can something like this go uncaptured? Is this or is this not 2007? Don't they tape pretty much everything? How does a dude attacking a pitcher with a bat turn out to be immune from moving pictures? Sounds like some sort of conspiracy/cover-up to me, a little bit like the whole area 51 deal or Jose Mesa's real age. I demand an explanation.
2) I hope it goes without saying that I don't condone physical violence in an otherwise friendly game of hardball (I guess it didn't go without saying . . .). That said, I have to have a certain surge of admiration for the guy's consistency. After all, my four biggest pet peeves in baseball are 1) walks, 2) failing to drive in a runner from 3rd base with less than two outs, 3) having a runner thrown out at the plate with less than 2 outs, and 4) guys acting all tough but without any real intentions of bringing the hammer. Look, it just doesn't exactly take alloy cajones to look back at your dugout and yell "Somebody better hold me back . . . no really, I'm loco, don't you know, and I mean it . . . somebody really better hold me back soon now before I do something . . .". Everybody gets all excited, the benches are warned, and . . . that's it. Yawn. The way I see it, there are exactly two acceptable responses to getting plunked: 1) brush it off, go down to first, and win the game (preferred); or 2) charge the mound and throw real punches. Well this dude took number two to a whole new level. He really, legitimately intended to do physical harm. Which, again, I don't condone, but at least he threw his whole self into the task with some degree of commitment and legitimacy.
3) People's reactions/quotes are even more priceless than the episode itself. Here's a sampling:
From the dude who swung that bat at the other dude:
"It was one of those moments that you want to forget."
Oops! This, above all else, is what he'll be remembered for.
"I didn't have any intentions and I feel sorry for what happened and the way it happened."
No intentions? Dude, you ran at him with a baseball bat. Swinging! That is the VERY DEFINITION of intentions!
Regarding hitting the catcher: "If he got hit it was because he tried to run behind me and take the bat, and that was an accident. I don't [sic] mean to hit him. I was facing the pitcher and I never went to hit the guy."
First of all, IF he got hit? You mean the guy with the concussion? IF he got hit? Let me help you out here bro -- the concussion wasn't from clapping his hand to his forehead in disbelief -- he got hit. It happened while you were swinging the baseball bat at the other man's head. Also note the way the phraseology subtly places all blame on the guy who got hit in the head with the bat. It isn't "I hit him," it's "he got hit", and it's not "because I was swinging that bat at his teammates head" (taking grammatical responsibility for the bat which was whipping through the evening sky, attached at one end to his own hands), but "because he tried to . . ." (grammatically placing blame -- "because he" instead of "because I"). Still, it's good to know that you didn't mean for that to happen, though. Indeed, it was a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT human being that at who's head you were swinging the baseball bat. Pretty much excuses the whole mess, doesn't it? "Look grandma, I didn't MEAN to knock you off of your hoveround with my SUV -- I was trying to hit that OTHER pedestrian, and you only got hit because you were trying to have me NOT cause him severe head trauma. So your bad and we're cool, right?"
From the pitcher:
"I've never been so surprised in my life. As soon as he got hit in the calf, he raised the bat above his head and ran toward me to hit me with the bat."
I don't exactly know why, but that quote just cracks me up. Like "Really? What in that sequence of events could possibly be considered surprising?"
From a Major League baseball player:
"You take a bat out there, you can get blackballed from baseball. That's deep."
Here we are again -- trying to inflict physical harm is generally ok . . . unless you take measures that make achieving your objective legitimately possible. Now THAT's stepping across the line, buck-o. If you're going to try to hurt somebody, make sure you sabotage the operation right from the beginning.
4) Somehow, I have four baseball pet peeves, but only three thoughts here.
And some stories (click here for the better write-up, here for the best pictures, and here for the full video clip) are just too easy. You read that right (unless you didn't read . . . punk), a "batter" (yes, he DID play for the Phillies for a bit, as it turns out . . .) attacked a pitcher (and this is just embarrassing, but he played for the Phillies for a while, too) with a baseball bat in a minor league game, injuring both the pitcher and the catcher, who was apparently attempting to have his pitcher not be hit in the head with a bat. And as you might guess, I have thoughts.
1) Seriously, why is there no video clip? I know it's independent league and nobody cares, but how can something like this go uncaptured? Is this or is this not 2007? Don't they tape pretty much everything? How does a dude attacking a pitcher with a bat turn out to be immune from moving pictures? Sounds like some sort of conspiracy/cover-up to me, a little bit like the whole area 51 deal or Jose Mesa's real age. I demand an explanation.
2) I hope it goes without saying that I don't condone physical violence in an otherwise friendly game of hardball (I guess it didn't go without saying . . .). That said, I have to have a certain surge of admiration for the guy's consistency. After all, my four biggest pet peeves in baseball are 1) walks, 2) failing to drive in a runner from 3rd base with less than two outs, 3) having a runner thrown out at the plate with less than 2 outs, and 4) guys acting all tough but without any real intentions of bringing the hammer. Look, it just doesn't exactly take alloy cajones to look back at your dugout and yell "Somebody better hold me back . . . no really, I'm loco, don't you know, and I mean it . . . somebody really better hold me back soon now before I do something . . .". Everybody gets all excited, the benches are warned, and . . . that's it. Yawn. The way I see it, there are exactly two acceptable responses to getting plunked: 1) brush it off, go down to first, and win the game (preferred); or 2) charge the mound and throw real punches. Well this dude took number two to a whole new level. He really, legitimately intended to do physical harm. Which, again, I don't condone, but at least he threw his whole self into the task with some degree of commitment and legitimacy.
3) People's reactions/quotes are even more priceless than the episode itself. Here's a sampling:
From the dude who swung that bat at the other dude:
"It was one of those moments that you want to forget."
Oops! This, above all else, is what he'll be remembered for.
"I didn't have any intentions and I feel sorry for what happened and the way it happened."
No intentions? Dude, you ran at him with a baseball bat. Swinging! That is the VERY DEFINITION of intentions!
Regarding hitting the catcher: "If he got hit it was because he tried to run behind me and take the bat, and that was an accident. I don't [sic] mean to hit him. I was facing the pitcher and I never went to hit the guy."
First of all, IF he got hit? You mean the guy with the concussion? IF he got hit? Let me help you out here bro -- the concussion wasn't from clapping his hand to his forehead in disbelief -- he got hit. It happened while you were swinging the baseball bat at the other man's head. Also note the way the phraseology subtly places all blame on the guy who got hit in the head with the bat. It isn't "I hit him," it's "he got hit", and it's not "because I was swinging that bat at his teammates head" (taking grammatical responsibility for the bat which was whipping through the evening sky, attached at one end to his own hands), but "because he tried to . . ." (grammatically placing blame -- "because he" instead of "because I"). Still, it's good to know that you didn't mean for that to happen, though. Indeed, it was a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT human being that at who's head you were swinging the baseball bat. Pretty much excuses the whole mess, doesn't it? "Look grandma, I didn't MEAN to knock you off of your hoveround with my SUV -- I was trying to hit that OTHER pedestrian, and you only got hit because you were trying to have me NOT cause him severe head trauma. So your bad and we're cool, right?"
From the pitcher:
"I've never been so surprised in my life. As soon as he got hit in the calf, he raised the bat above his head and ran toward me to hit me with the bat."
I don't exactly know why, but that quote just cracks me up. Like "Really? What in that sequence of events could possibly be considered surprising?"
From a Major League baseball player:
"You take a bat out there, you can get blackballed from baseball. That's deep."
Here we are again -- trying to inflict physical harm is generally ok . . . unless you take measures that make achieving your objective legitimately possible. Now THAT's stepping across the line, buck-o. If you're going to try to hurt somebody, make sure you sabotage the operation right from the beginning.
4) Somehow, I have four baseball pet peeves, but only three thoughts here.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Just Plumb Tickled
So on Sunday there was a volunteer recruitment meeting of sorts after the service at Life Pointe. Wow! A strong handful of people stepped up, signed up, and are going to begin serving. Who wins? Hmmm, let's see.
1) Life Pointe Church wins! If you've been to a service at Life Pointe, you've seen people greeting you at the door, offering you a snack, and providing information. If you have kids that you checked into the kids ministry or nursery, you saw volunteers their helping with the little guys. When you walked into the main auditorium, you saw hundreds of pounds of sound and light equipment all set up and ready to go, complete with custom graphics on the big screen and maybe even customized video segments. If you stuck around after the service, you noticed a ton of people each hauling a ton of stuff from all of the aforementioned, including an enormous amount of nursery gear that had to come from all the way down the hall. Guess what? Not only does all of that get broken down at 11:30, it all was hauled in and set up as well, starting at about 7:00. The graphics and video didn't appear magically either, and those people who greeted you with a smile? They were there before you were because they got up early, too. In short, you're not supposed to be distracted by the massive task that is involved to put on a dynamic, fun, relevant, welcoming service -- you're only supposed to come and want to come back (at least at first!). But the point remains -- it's a massive task each week, and could never be anything remotely worthwhile without a huge team of volunteers.
2) The volunteers win! Turns out it's actually true. When Jesus said "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever gives up his life for my sake will find it" I don't think he was talking about dying like we so often think. I think he was talking about simply looking outside of oneself to serve him by serving others. That's how we are made to find real meaning and fulfillment. Self-seeking proves to be shallow and vain, but other-seeking proves to be self-fulfilling. It's an ironic twist, but one which I've discovered to be completely true. I've had some small tastes of both prosperity and poverty, acclaim and anonymity. And while the one is surely nicer than the other, there's really no difference. I've been happy and un-happy in either one. When we forget ourselves and serve others -- regardless of our own circumstances -- that's when we discover the truth that Jesus is speaking about. We find ourselves by looking to the needs and interests of others. Brilliant. So thank you, volunteers. Not only are you making it happen for everybody at Life Pointe Church (including -- and to some degree especially -- those who are not yet there), you're going to experience for yourselves a piece of what God has intended for you and made you for.
Hmmmm, no jokes in this one. All right, save your hate mail and click here, if you must.
1) Life Pointe Church wins! If you've been to a service at Life Pointe, you've seen people greeting you at the door, offering you a snack, and providing information. If you have kids that you checked into the kids ministry or nursery, you saw volunteers their helping with the little guys. When you walked into the main auditorium, you saw hundreds of pounds of sound and light equipment all set up and ready to go, complete with custom graphics on the big screen and maybe even customized video segments. If you stuck around after the service, you noticed a ton of people each hauling a ton of stuff from all of the aforementioned, including an enormous amount of nursery gear that had to come from all the way down the hall. Guess what? Not only does all of that get broken down at 11:30, it all was hauled in and set up as well, starting at about 7:00. The graphics and video didn't appear magically either, and those people who greeted you with a smile? They were there before you were because they got up early, too. In short, you're not supposed to be distracted by the massive task that is involved to put on a dynamic, fun, relevant, welcoming service -- you're only supposed to come and want to come back (at least at first!). But the point remains -- it's a massive task each week, and could never be anything remotely worthwhile without a huge team of volunteers.
2) The volunteers win! Turns out it's actually true. When Jesus said "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever gives up his life for my sake will find it" I don't think he was talking about dying like we so often think. I think he was talking about simply looking outside of oneself to serve him by serving others. That's how we are made to find real meaning and fulfillment. Self-seeking proves to be shallow and vain, but other-seeking proves to be self-fulfilling. It's an ironic twist, but one which I've discovered to be completely true. I've had some small tastes of both prosperity and poverty, acclaim and anonymity. And while the one is surely nicer than the other, there's really no difference. I've been happy and un-happy in either one. When we forget ourselves and serve others -- regardless of our own circumstances -- that's when we discover the truth that Jesus is speaking about. We find ourselves by looking to the needs and interests of others. Brilliant. So thank you, volunteers. Not only are you making it happen for everybody at Life Pointe Church (including -- and to some degree especially -- those who are not yet there), you're going to experience for yourselves a piece of what God has intended for you and made you for.
Hmmmm, no jokes in this one. All right, save your hate mail and click here, if you must.
Friday, August 10, 2007
It's MoreThan Just a Clever Catch-Phrase!
Life is full of maxims, true-isms, proverbs, and just generally good ideas. If you're pitching, "You have to throw strikes." What matters most "Isn't the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog." And in ministry, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." The problem is these don't always hold in every situation. In the Phil's game tonight there have been 2 IBB's, no amount of fight will allow a Maltese to take this guy down, and when crack-heads ask for money, they're concerned how much you care roughly as much as they're concerned about the price of pork in Pakistan. It's with some sadness and regret, then, that I've been noticing a trend of people apparently not knowing when to apply the classic imperative "Keep your pants on!" And since I aim not only to entertain but also to inform, I thought I'd use this platform to provide some simple guidelines to help you -- the concerned but occasionally confounded reader -- know exactly when (and when not!) to keep that pesky waistband cinched. Keep in mind that, to my knowledge, this has never been attempted, and so some revisions may be necessary in the future (as opposed to my earlier sport/not a sport entry, which is perfect and definitive for all times). A jumping-off point is necessary, however, and so I'll go ahead and give this project my best effort.
Jogging In Public
While I appreciate this guy's service to God, apparent nod to the original Olympic uniforms, and . . . shall we say . . . showmanship, taking a few laps around the school loop is just no time to be feeling the breeze. Keep the mouse in the house and you might even find a training partner who will buy you breakfast afterward. Verdict? Keep your pants ON!
Exception -- streaking at a sporting event. I'm not saying that I condone this kind of thing, but seriously -- if you're going to do it, there's just no sense in going half-way. The only thing more embarrassing than streaking through the infield? "Streaking" in your tighty-whities.
Using the Restroom
A classic exception where the mis-application of a wise word will leave you in all kinds of trouble. Remember, "keep your pants on" is there to guide you, not to rule you. Verdict? Drop 'em!
Exception -- you're a female and you're with your female friends. In other words, "using the restroom" means something different than "using the restroom." I have no idea what this actually entails and can't speak to said situation intelligently, even by Flogging, But With a "B" standards.
Running Out to Grab a Bite
This may seem like an easy hand-off for some of my more advanced readers, but some people actually fumble this one, most notably my team's defensive line coach who decided that swinging through Wendy's was a good idea, but putting pants on first wasn't (where did he keep his wallet?). Fellas -- I know you get hungry. And I know that spicy chicken is a tasty treat. It is! But there just is no sandwich that's so good that it can't wait for you to toss on a pair of Levi's. Verdict? Keep Your Pants ON!
Exception -- Your wife works the drive-through window. Nothing builds a marriage like creating some unique shared experiences, after all.
Showering
Another time when you'll want to throw caution -- and your shorts -- to the wind. It just works better. Verdict? Drop 'em!
Exception -- It's the "shower" in the changing room at the pool. It's not meant for THAT, bro!
Reading My Blog
We're on the honor system here kids, so don't betray my trust in you. The thought of you reading my page in nature's own just doesn't inspire the kind of thoughts that I'd like to share with the world. Besides, the word "flogging" is prominent, so it's for your own good, too. Verdict? Keep Your Pants ON!
Exception -- Whigham's blog is always clothing-optional.
Cooking Breakfast
This is the proverbial "gray area" as far as the pants/no pants discussion is concerned. Ultimately it's your call, but if bacon's on the docket (and if it isn't, you just might have bigger fish to fry, anyway), I'd give those boxers a good, hard look before firing up the George Foreman. Verdict? Recommended, but optional.
Exception -- Cooking breakfast at my house. Look, when I told you to make yourself at home, I only half meant it.
We're going to have to stop here for the moment. I know, I've only begun to scratch the surface, but pants/no pants is an issue that's larger than any one of us, anyway. Perhaps you can go ahead, start a blog, and make your own contribution. Until then, just make sure that you always keep the horse before the carriage.
(Just for the record, I have no idea what that last sentence even means.)
Jogging In Public
While I appreciate this guy's service to God, apparent nod to the original Olympic uniforms, and . . . shall we say . . . showmanship, taking a few laps around the school loop is just no time to be feeling the breeze. Keep the mouse in the house and you might even find a training partner who will buy you breakfast afterward. Verdict? Keep your pants ON!
Exception -- streaking at a sporting event. I'm not saying that I condone this kind of thing, but seriously -- if you're going to do it, there's just no sense in going half-way. The only thing more embarrassing than streaking through the infield? "Streaking" in your tighty-whities.
Using the Restroom
A classic exception where the mis-application of a wise word will leave you in all kinds of trouble. Remember, "keep your pants on" is there to guide you, not to rule you. Verdict? Drop 'em!
Exception -- you're a female and you're with your female friends. In other words, "using the restroom" means something different than "using the restroom." I have no idea what this actually entails and can't speak to said situation intelligently, even by Flogging, But With a "B" standards.
Running Out to Grab a Bite
This may seem like an easy hand-off for some of my more advanced readers, but some people actually fumble this one, most notably my team's defensive line coach who decided that swinging through Wendy's was a good idea, but putting pants on first wasn't (where did he keep his wallet?). Fellas -- I know you get hungry. And I know that spicy chicken is a tasty treat. It is! But there just is no sandwich that's so good that it can't wait for you to toss on a pair of Levi's. Verdict? Keep Your Pants ON!
Exception -- Your wife works the drive-through window. Nothing builds a marriage like creating some unique shared experiences, after all.
Showering
Another time when you'll want to throw caution -- and your shorts -- to the wind. It just works better. Verdict? Drop 'em!
Exception -- It's the "shower" in the changing room at the pool. It's not meant for THAT, bro!
Reading My Blog
We're on the honor system here kids, so don't betray my trust in you. The thought of you reading my page in nature's own just doesn't inspire the kind of thoughts that I'd like to share with the world. Besides, the word "flogging" is prominent, so it's for your own good, too. Verdict? Keep Your Pants ON!
Exception -- Whigham's blog is always clothing-optional.
Cooking Breakfast
This is the proverbial "gray area" as far as the pants/no pants discussion is concerned. Ultimately it's your call, but if bacon's on the docket (and if it isn't, you just might have bigger fish to fry, anyway), I'd give those boxers a good, hard look before firing up the George Foreman. Verdict? Recommended, but optional.
Exception -- Cooking breakfast at my house. Look, when I told you to make yourself at home, I only half meant it.
We're going to have to stop here for the moment. I know, I've only begun to scratch the surface, but pants/no pants is an issue that's larger than any one of us, anyway. Perhaps you can go ahead, start a blog, and make your own contribution. Until then, just make sure that you always keep the horse before the carriage.
(Just for the record, I have no idea what that last sentence even means.)
Friday, August 3, 2007
Pride. Glory. The Big Ticket Out of Secaucus.
Not every incident in life is of the same importance. Marriage is bigger than a sunrise. Having a child is bigger than buying a cd. Joking on Jamey's hair is bigger than joking on Whigham's Reds. And the truly monumental moments are celebrated in some fashion that let's us know -- unequivocally -- that life has changed. This week included one such event and it's corresponding validation. The Celtics swung a deal for Kevin "Big Ticket" Garnett, and my buddy Criag called.
Yes, it happened, and now everybody who hated the Ray Allen deal can see the larger picture -- they didn't just give away a piece of the future for a chance to go to the Finals, they gave away the ENTIRE future for a really, really GOOD chance to go to the Finals! Obviously we (speaking for the Celtics Nation) are just pleased as punch to be the odds-on favorite to come out of the East for the next two or three years. Number 17 isn't home yet, but it's been a long, long time since we've even been close.
The Craig-call thing, though, now that's another entry all to itself (although you can see it's the same entry). It was a voice-mail after I got off work that sounded like it was a Rome jungle-clone with a personalized message just for me. It meant that this was a big, life-changing event. A moment in which a Laker fan became a pseudo-Celtics fan in all the excitement. If you don't know, it's a little bit like a Capulet calling to congratulate a Montague for moving up in the world. Something close to a heartfelt Dave Letterman/Richard Simmons embrace. Or maybe the time that Jamey told me the jeans I was wearing were cool (it happened once, honest!).
We don't know if it will be just like the 80's, but Jesus loves me, I'm 15 years out of fashion, and the Celtics are back. Now, has somebody taken care of making friendly relations with one of those crooked refs?
Yes, it happened, and now everybody who hated the Ray Allen deal can see the larger picture -- they didn't just give away a piece of the future for a chance to go to the Finals, they gave away the ENTIRE future for a really, really GOOD chance to go to the Finals! Obviously we (speaking for the Celtics Nation) are just pleased as punch to be the odds-on favorite to come out of the East for the next two or three years. Number 17 isn't home yet, but it's been a long, long time since we've even been close.
The Craig-call thing, though, now that's another entry all to itself (although you can see it's the same entry). It was a voice-mail after I got off work that sounded like it was a Rome jungle-clone with a personalized message just for me. It meant that this was a big, life-changing event. A moment in which a Laker fan became a pseudo-Celtics fan in all the excitement. If you don't know, it's a little bit like a Capulet calling to congratulate a Montague for moving up in the world. Something close to a heartfelt Dave Letterman/Richard Simmons embrace. Or maybe the time that Jamey told me the jeans I was wearing were cool (it happened once, honest!).
We don't know if it will be just like the 80's, but Jesus loves me, I'm 15 years out of fashion, and the Celtics are back. Now, has somebody taken care of making friendly relations with one of those crooked refs?
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