Seriously -- Is this the Best We Can Do?

No question -- The United States is a nation with a shortage. As Opening Day is all but upon us, there are nigh a handful of teams who are genuinely satisfied with their pitching rotation, and probably even less that like the depth of their bullpens. Shortly thereafter, NFL teams will bemoan the fact that there simply aren't 32 NFL level punters or place-kickers to be found. And a swing through your choice of Burger King, McDonalds, Wendy's, Arby's, or Hardee's will make glaringly obvious that our nation comes several million employees shy of however many million employees would be needed to competently staff our food service industry with individuals who can consistently provide reasonable service and the necessary self control to keep the onions off of my wife's sandwich. All of these shortages are regrettable, but also at some level understandable and of negligible long-term impact.

As far as President of the United States goes, however, I fully recognize that to be a truly strong and suitable candidate is no short order -- but come on, people -- we only need one! Is this truly a nation that, in a quest to find the best candidate from the however many million citizens, will eventually settle upon one of the three remaining legitimate possibilities? Seriously now -- is this REALLY the best we can do? Let's have a look at what we're dealing with here, in alphabetical order (so that it'll be something legitimate that I wrote that you decide to hate me for):


Hillary Clinton

Negative: Absolutely polarizing, for one. A member of the Democratic party. Also, you have to question the decision making of somebody who married Bill Clinton, right? I mean, if you voted for the guy that's one thing -- she MARRIED the dude. Plus, taking the capitalistic system that helped make this the greatest nation in the world and pushing it full-force toward socialism might not be a good idea. I don't know . . . how did that work out for the USSR (I miss them, by the way)? How are things in Cuba?

Positive: She ought to know her way around the White House. And let's face it, she pretty much ran the country while her husband was . . . um . . . otherwise incapacitated.

Sports equivalent: Brenda Warner. Even while her husband (who's attributes are still hotly debated) was enjoying his day in the sun, somehow his wife garnered something more than her fair share of the press, lending credibility to the idea that perhaps she had as much or more to say about what went down than he did. Whatever her experience around the big-time, however, there's no real way you're ok with her taking snaps from center on Sunday afternoons, right?


John McCain

Negative: Completely un-inspiring. Really old. A member of the Republican party. Um . . . not much more to say.

Positive: Probably doesn't eat much anymore. Least likely to be an embarrassment (unless a Viagra endorsement deal comes along). Least likely to do any real damage. Or anything else, really.

Sports equivalent: Eric Piatkowski. Your reaction should be one of either 1) "Who?" or 2) "He's still in the league?" Yep, he's still in the league -- he's in Phoenix, incidentally. And he's ok to have on your team . . . if he gets about 10 minutes a game and is on the bench while the game's on the line. If he's your big gun though . . . let's just say that nobody's coming out to see your team play.

Barak Obama

Negative: Every bit as polarizing as Hillary. He's never really done anything. He's young and inexperienced. There are all manner of rumors about the people surrounding him (his pastor, his supporters, his WIFE!) being hate-filled and bigoted.

Positive: He's likable and sure can deliver a speech.

Sports equivalent: Isaiah Thomas. Sure, Thomas had a remarkable career with a basketball in his hands and short-shorts on his . . . um . . . shorts, but his talents just never translated outside of that context. His shortcomings as an analyst ("when Larry, Micheal, and myself were in the league") have paled in comparison to his Matt Millen-like mis-management. He single-handedly bankrupted the CBA, was fired from the Pacers by Larry Bird himself (chuckle), and has completely run the Knicks into the ground (double chuckle). Add to that his "out of the office" issues (sexual harassment suit, Raptors ticket issues) and underlying rumblings of racism and just pure lack of talent recognition ("If Larry Bird was a black guy, he would be just another good guy") and hindsight begins to shine where foresight failed -- maybe putting this cat in charge of stuff wasn't as good of an idea as it may have appeared! Once we include "Bird stole the inbounding pass!!!", the fact that Isaiah had his success with one of the dirtiest teams in NBA history (correlate with a Democrat from Illinois -- I'm just sayin'), and that Isaiah was himself from Illinois, and you'd start to think I was making some of this up.


Really, you're telling me THESE are the best that our nation has to offer? Wow. Just, "wow". Maybe I just haven't been paying enough attention, but never before has Brewster's Millions seemed legitimately prophetic.

Gluttons for Flogging

It happened at 10:15 pm on Thursday March 20. There was no fanfare, no fireworks, and certainly no press coverage. If CNN was aware of the story they either buried it on the cutting room floor or else nobody ever told me that it was a "go" story. But don't be fooled by what the mass media choses not to tell you -- it happened.

Flogging, But With a "B" has now received a hit from every state in the union, as well as the District.

It's the 50+1.

As well as at least 71 other countries, some of which I've never heard of (have the Aland Islands just recently appeared since my college geography class? Was there a big sub-oceanic volcano in a place that has great weather and so it became inhabited and hooked up the internet since I was in college? How does this happen?) (ok, I looked them up, and I guess not), have also stopped in.

I have to say, for a blog that was never actually intended to be read in the first place, it's quite an accomplishment. I never imagined that I'd be able to disappoint such a substantial swath of society with meaninglessness and drivel. I've covered sports and metal, non-sports and Buzz Goertzen, more sports, more metal, and a bit about church/Christ-following and myself. And then some more sports. I could have done it without you, of course, but I didn't. Well, sort of I did. But that's not the point. I don't think? Ok, I have no idea what the point is, but I sure hope it's a good one.

And so the only appropriate things to say at this point would be "thank you" and "I'm sorry." And now I'll try to disappoint you on a somewhat more regular basis than I have been of late!

I'm Not Even Sure I'm a Mile Wide, Really

I'm not all that introspective (do you READ this blog?!?!?), but I had a bit of a self-realization the other day. No, I didn't suddenly come to realize that my true calling was in clogging or cat juggling (honestly, I can't even juggle guinea pigs) or anything crazy like that, and truthfully it wasn't even something positive. I realized that I'm shallow.

There, I said it. I'm shallow.

Now before we all go get a kink in our hose about this, let's take care of what it does NOT mean.

1) It does NOT mean that I don't care about people. I really, genuinely, honestly do. I care a lot, about a lot of people.

2) It's not the same as being superficial. I don't care what people look like, dress like (honestly, one of my best friends wears vests and thinks they're awesome . . .), where they've come from, how much money they make, whatever. None of that crap means anything to me. If you're poor and ugly but laugh at my jokes, I'll like you just fine (if you're thinking "Oh good -- that's me!" . . . wow that's tragic but there are SO many jokes there . . .).

3) It doesn't mean that I can't or don't think deep thoughts. It's not the same as being stupid.

What DOES it mean, then? Basically this, I think -- I don't want to watch a movie that "really makes you think." I'd rather talk about sports than "world events" (the Olympics, by the way, fall into the "world events" category -- see here). I desperately want you to see the same beauty, truth, and freedom in Jesus Christ that I do, but I don't want to "enter into a dialogue that seeks to promote some yada yada whatever". There are jokes to be made and metal to be listened to, and chili dogs don't eat themselves. But do you know what provided the ultimate verification of my self-diagnosed shallow-ness? It really doesn't bother me.

So if you want something deep, click here or here. Note how their blogs aren't team color-themed and they seem to have something to say. Me? I'll probably continue with sports, metal, occasional church stuff, and lots of jokes you don't get. You see, that doesn't bother me either . . . .

Re-rewriting the books

Quite a day in University of Oklahoma athletic history! And, much like the post just a couple down, indeed what happened today is relevant to only what happened yesterday.

For one, the 8 games that the OU football team won in 2005? The games that the team walked off of the field having achieved victory, as was reported by SportsCenter and newspapers and the interweb as being Oklahoma victories? Yeah, those -- the wins that were later "vacated" after a couple morons on the team got caught taking money that they hadn't earned? Well it turns out they're wins again. What do you say about that kind of mad action? I wonder if Vegas bookies have contingencies for these things. Imagine the guy who bet the house on OU over UO in the Holiday Bowl, won, and took a sweet European vacation with his newfound windfall. Then come NCAA sanctions a couple years later and "officially" then OU did NOT beat UO after all. Of course, our newly cultured friend can't pay up -- the dollars that he'd won have long been converted to Euros and shot into his arm in Amsterdam. So he gets a couple fingers chopped off and his house is torched in the middle of the night. Hey -- that's why they call it gambling, no? Anyway -- suddenly his horse came through after all after all -- but what about those fingers? Do bookies keep them in milk so that they can be lovingly re-attached should such an unforeseen circumstance arise? I doubt it -- these plot twists really are fairly un-foreseeable.

Anyway, in other news that happens to relate to continuing sagas of OU athletic black-eyes, their last basketball coach -- the one who had the program put on probation etc. due to his recruiting violations and then bolted like HE was the one who had been put in a bad spot -- was bought out toady as coach of IU after being investigated for the exact same thing that he did at OU. You'd think somebody who was essentially a teacher would learn faster than that, wouldn't you? Anyway -- how does he get caught cheating twice within two years and wind up in a great spot both times? First he bolts OU for the tradition-rich basketball-crazed Hoosier job, then he takes a $750,000 buyout as a punishment? Seriously now, I realize that his earning potential and reputation and all that are severely damaged, but I should be so lucky, right? If that's having the hammer dropped then line me up and call me nail any day. Ridiculous.

Syringes are dripping with irony

I don't know if Roger Clemens used HGH, watches HGTV on HDTV, or smokes THC while driving a GMAC to KFC. And really, I don't care either. Aside from the increasingly bizarre stories that continue to circulate around him (HGH gives you a virtually un-hittable four-seamer . . . and your wife a smokin' hot swimsuit model bod! who knew?), I really just wish the whole thing would go away so that the sports world could focus on my Celtics and the IU recruiting violations debacle (and even that's getting old to this Oklahoma fan -- more on THAT irony another day, if you're lucky). There's one angle, though, that just absolutely stands up and begs to be pointed and laughed at.

So there's corruption in baseball. Action must be taken. Ok, whatever, that's fine. Now I understand the whole anti-trust exemption and some of what goes along with that, but seriously, who's idea was it to bring in THE GOVERNMENT to A) find the truth, and B) clean up the cheating? Really? The government? Were the Gambino's overbooked? Isn't bringing in the government to help restore the integrity of the game a little like calling on Howard Stern to restore a higher level of appropriateness, Elizabeth Taylor for making marriages work, or Paris Hilton for personal dignity? And then it gets even better when, before the hearing, Roger's signing and giving away balls -- and just that quickly the government cats are breaking their own rules themselves before they even get to ask a question. You just can't make this stuff up kids.

In at least some seriousness, though -- does baseball really require the attention of our countries leaders? I know I voted for my representative because I want them to be involved in bettering education for our children, decreasing the tax burden and ridiculous welfare system, and taking a tough stance against performance enhancing drugs in pro sports. At first you'd think there might be something more important that you might like your fearless leaders to be working with . . . until you remember that they're the government and their track record (pun intended -- ha!) isn't all that impressive . . . maybe baseball is a good place for them to spend a while after all. In fact, I went to pee-wee soccer game the other day and thought some of those kids looked suspiciously big and fast (no word on their wives swimsuit spreads) -- hey, Mr. Congressman! Come quick!!!

If they can put a man on the moon . . .

Was it Seinfeld that had the bit about putting a man on the moon being the standard for competency? Everything that seems like it should be easy (light sauce on my wife's fettuccine alfredo, using a turn signal, customer service people who speak English) is held up against putting a man on the moon to demonstrate gross negligence. Well strangely enough, it seems as though gross negligence is helping us really take things to the next level, because now we not only have put a man on the moon, we're legitimately flirting with the next dimension of flux capacitor-inspired technology -- time travel. Somehow, however, messing with time messes with the future just as a young McFly once learned, and the resultant paradox may not, in the end, result in the destruction of the universe, but things are getting fun regardless.

Here's the (latest) scoop -- in an NBA game on 12/19/07 (happy birthday sis!) in Atlanta, one Mr. Shaquille O'Neil was fouled out of the game after only his 5th foul due to a scoring error. His Miami Heat lost the game but filed an appeal with the league because -- really -- how does this crap happen? The league decided that, due to the competitive disadvantage that resulted from the error, the rest of the game now never happened and they'll replay the last 51 seconds as if we're still back in the days of the undefeated New England Patriots. Pretty bizarre, no? But here's where it gets genuinely jacked up -- Miami just traded O'Neil. That's right -- the player whose incorrect disqualification resulted in the net effect of a backyard do-over won't even be in the building this time. What a tangled web we weave, indeed.

Stuff like this goes on, though. Because a couple of morons from Oklahoma took money from a summer "job" that they didn't work, an entire season of wins has been "vacated". USC's being investigated (we think? where are you, NCAA?) for some funny business that went on with Reggie Bush that could (should? where are you, NCAA?) end with them vacating a Championship and Bush a Hiesman trophy.

Here's the question that plagues me now, though -- if they can "fix" glaring mistakes like these, can the record be straightened on some others? Here's a partial list of errors every bit as egregious as mis-counting to 6 on Shaq:

1) Oklahoma/Oregon on-side kick debacle. Not only does replay CLEARLY show that an Oregon player touched the ball before it went the required 10 yards -- but even then Oklahoma recovered the ball! It was blown 4 different times, really -- the ten yards and the recovery were both blown on the field and in the replay booth. Unfathomable. At least one official was suspended for the rest of the year and that's an Oregon alum who you hear say it's a bad call on the video clip. If the call's made correctly, Oklahoma wins right there. Nonetheless, the record still shows that Oregon won the game. Unfathomable.

2) Colorado's fifth down. What's worse than not counting accurately to six? How about not making it to five? Colorado scored the winning touchdown in the final moments . . . on fifth down. You don't have to be a big football fan to know that there is no such thing as fifth down. Apparently the officials weren't big football fans?

3) Vinny Testaverde scores with his helmet (see the pic about halfway down). On a 4th down play in the waning moments, the officials mistake Testaverde's white helmet for the brown ball and award a game-winning touchdown to the Jets. This is, on some level, the call that brought back instant replay to the NFL, but somehow that didn't help Dennis Erickson keep his job.

4) Hull wins the Cup with a foot on either side. This "goal" ended sudden-death overtime and awarded the Stanley Cup to Dallas. I know you don't know anything about hockey, but suffice to say that you can't score with your foot in the blue ice. His foot's in the crease. Not even close -- and in the biggest moment imaginable.


Now -- if we can replay the end of games from months before, vacate a season of wins years later -- if we can put a man on the frickin' moon -- can't we do *something* about these games? An asterisk? A youtube link? A blog poll? I'm only one man, but if I'll stand for anything, it's trying to not suck.

The Good Doctor Award?

So a couple weeks ago we decide to go to the Cracker Barrel. Nothing unusual there -- Baby works nights on Sunday and often Mondays, and when she gets up at 5 or so after her "last" night of the week, she wants french toast and I could want anything. So after enough disappointments at Waffle House (seriously, how bad do things have to be to have a disappointment at Waffle House? it's not like we were expecting Taco Bell level service, just any service at all would be great), Cracker Barrel has become something of a habit if not quite a tradition.

All that to say that there was nothing out of the ordinary a couple weeks ago when Baby woke up and wanted to go to Cracker Barrel. We'd always gone to the one on Bardstown Rd and the Snyder, though, but on this evening she asked about the one on Blankenbaker (we live really right about in between the two). In predictable fashion, of course I resisted change, but then gave in. Blankenbaker it would be. No big deal.

No big deal, that is, until right after our food came out and a woman at a table next to ours suddenly started banging on her table and then stood up, hands clutching her throat. Baby asked if she was choking and if she needed help and then leapt into action! She Heimliched this poor woman about 20 times before finally a hunk of roast beef special popped out. This was the real deal here -- for proof of the seriousness of the situation you need look no further than the fact that the mortified choker had soaked both of their pants in her urine. Of course things were eventually ok, and eventually everybody went home happy-ish, if a little bit freaked out.

Anyway, all that to say that word of Baby's heroism reached the pertinent people at her (our) hospital, and this week her floor had a party celebrating her and that she's going to be awarded the hospital system-wide (several hospitals) "Good Samaritan Award". One of the higher-ups at her party mentioned how the award was actually named for the founder of the hospital, who had become known as the Good Samaritan. Isn't that a little bit like saying that an NBA Championship ring is named after Bill Russel because he has so many of them? What about that hypothetical but monstrously influential good Samaritan? And must that not just eat up traditional Jews that this fictitious "good" Samaritan has been giving their hated half-brothers a good name for a couple centuries now? I just can't help but laugh at the irony of the whole situation.

So that's fun, Baby gets (another!) award (she racks up awards like Bengals rack up arrest warrants) and is a superstar (I, of course, had already figured that one out), and now it's back to Bardstown Rd for french toast. And if you made it this far, you figured out the rest -- that I have absolutely nothing to blog about.